The Incredible Hulk Is Not A Sequel

Okay, I was starting to think that I might be going insane, or just plain ol’ making shit up again. So, there is another Hulk movie coming out on June 13th, yet it has no relation at all to the Hulk film released in 2003, which sucked just as bad as I’m sure this one will. I have no clue how the fact that this film had already been made got passed the thousands of educated people it requires to create and distribute a movie, but I’m pretty sure that everyone (like myself) has been wandering around, bumping into shit, totally off-kilter, fighting away a disturbing sense of deja vu, thinking that they might just be going mad, but being too embarrassed to say aloud, “didn’t this already happen?”. I’m almost positive that half way through production someone must’ve turned to the director, holding up a dvd cover, asking, “should we just keep going?”. Not to mention the fact that The Incredible Hulk is just sorta gay–definitely not worth of back-to-back remakes. And even in the last one, did they ever explain how his shorts grow and shrink with his body? What are we supposed to be feeling as we watch a Hulk movie anyway? What am I supposed to be shouting at the screen, “yea! This guy can’t control his emotions! I’m SO into this!”. It’s just not as masculine as his veiny, roided chest would lead us to believe. I’m almost tired of this comic book movie genre anyway. At least the Marvel ones. Unfortunately the Spawn movie sucked so hard that Image Comics most likely burnt all their bridges to Hollywood. Otherwise I know that I wouldn’t be the only one eagerly anticipating a Gen¹³ movie. I was into Youngblood too, but I think all their costumes would just come across as being uber flamboyant on screen. Jim Lee was always a fan of that open-topped face mask kind of getup.

I guess the thing that triggered this post for me was that throughout the interwebbing blogs, there are “herds of nerds” that are literally FREAKING OUT because commoners such ourselves are making the misconception of this Hulk release being a possible sequel to the ‘03 film, when in reality, it’s just a very untimely waste of millions of dollars. So, our bad! I’m not joking. People are honest-to-god getting vicious about it. So, there it is–just to clarify, since before doing some minor research I seriously didn’t know if I was losing marbles. Geek on, brethren!

I’m going to let Best Week Ever wrap it up from here.

“Ok boys, “The Hulk” stumbled out of the gate, but we’ve got five years to completely reinvent the franchise, so let’s cast a new lead actor, think of a screenplay, write it, and come up with a concept for how we want to shoot the film that makes everyone forget about all that ridiculous Ang Lee crap in the first one.

[FIVE YEARS PASS]

All right, we’ve got Edward Norton starring and contributing his own script, we’ve got Tim Roth and William Hurt co-starring, and we’ve got the dude from “Transporter 2″ directing, which isn’t ideal, but at least he’s done action and he’ll be eager to take a crack at a more mainstream big-budget flick. I believe we’ve tied up all the loose ends.

OH MY GOD, WE FORGOT TO MAKE THE HULK NOT LOOK LIKE A TOTAL PIECE OF SH*T!!!! Awwwwww maaahhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!”